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[b:97381ea7fe]Thought this might give us a laugh or two
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swings" the drunk replies.[/b:97381ea7fe]
[b:97381ea7fe]A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
Right off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horseshit all over
her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."[/b:97381ea7fe]Sorry to all the men on here just had to put these on lol
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Universityof Oklahoma!"
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make lov! e to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a
very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh ...
immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET... A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat the livin' shit out of
him..
AMEN (Summer)
[b:1ef52f4f2e]At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these matzo purchases? What do you do
with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."
[/b:1ef52f4f2e] (Summer)Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month 's vacation and five good leads" (Summer)
Blonde goes to buy a new bath and the sales man ask do you need a plug for bath. Blonde says is it electric
:D (Summer)The Old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience! (rachael)
Hi Rachael I loved that one. Makes you think doesn't it lol
Summer (Summer)Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he
can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says
Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the
Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one
hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his~~spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding!"
_________________ (Purple)This is the best thread, we really should post more.
THREE TORTOISES
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on
a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and
sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Les give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed
it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring
the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten
miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he
says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two
hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he
finally agrees.
So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick
and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take
out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to
eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and
shouts........
...............
...............
...............
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT GOING NOW!" (rachael)It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.' (Purple)As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
:lol: :lol: :lol: (Purple)Q: What do you call a one eyed, three legged donkey?
A: A Winky Wonky Donkey
Q: What do you call a one eyed, three legged donkey playing the piano?
A: A Plinky Plonky Winky Wonky Donkey
Q: What do you call a one eyed, three legged donkey playing rag-time on the piano?
A: A Honky Tonky Plinky Plonky Winky Wonky Donkey
OK - they are getting worse!!!! :shock: (Purple)THE THIMBLE
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom
Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'Yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. (rachael)Bloke goes to the doctor, it's long overdue, he's felt like shite for months.
The doc examines him and tuts, takes some blood and tells him to come back in a fortnight for the results.
Two weeks later he goes back and the doc opens his file and tuts and shakes his head. The doc looks at him and says 'you're a very very ill man indeed, you have aids, herpes, syphillis, hepatis A, B & C and every other sexually transmitted disease known to mankind'
the bloke says 'what you gonna do to help me doc'
The doc say 'well I'm going to admit you to hospital and we are going to put you on a special diet'
The bloke says' specail diet eh doc, whats it gonna be?
Doc says 'toast and pizza'
Bloke says 'toast and pizza doc, hows that gonna help me?'
Doc says ' it won't help you at all, but it's all we can shove under the door!' (Purple)Sorry gang, this isn't really a 'joke', it really happened and I thought it might raise a smile.
I've been in the same line of employment for more than 25 years. When I started my job, newcomers were subject to certain initiation ceremonies. One of them went like this :
We would take a newcomer and tell him/her that we were going to play a joke on another new member of the team. His/her part in it would be to lie in the fridge in the mortuary, covered with a sheet. Shortly afterwards, the 'subject' of the prank would be along to open the fridge and pull out the supposedly 'dead' newcomer. His/her instructions were to wait a few seconds before groaning and slowly sitting upright whilst still covered by the sheet.
So the newcomer is lying in the fridge covered with a sheet waiting in the dark for the door to open. Suddenly the 'deceased' person lying next to them stirs, half turns and says, "It's bloody freezing in here isn't it ?"
Two points : firstly, apologies to anyone who might be offended by this reminiscence, and secondly due to the tidal wave of political correctness and litigation culture thesedays, this particular 'prank' is a thing of the past. Comments ?
So do any of you have any other 'real life' situation comedies ?
R (rosencrantz)Flippin heck R - that is awful!!! Given me the creeps for the night!!!!! :? (Purple)
