Positive anger?

I was reading about the anger management CD and wondered what people's views were on anger. For 30 something years I thought of myself as very passive, a peacemaker, harmonious and loving. I know realise I am chock-full of unrepressed emotions that are manifesting themselves in anger. In many ways I *welcome* this anger; because it is like a safety valve, yet I don't feel well equipt to deal with the feelings because they are so alien to me. I can now imagine the sort of messages I was given as a child 'Little girls don't show their anger, it's not nice.......' and I sense myself trying hard to hold all that toddler stuff in. So, is it always good to 'manage your anger', isn't it sometimes positive to just let it all out?? I mean, as long as I don't hurt anyone either physically or emotionally, isn't it better for *me* that I have expressed something that needs expressing? wonderingly, wingsofloveIn my opinion I would agree that as long as you and no one else, or any of your personal effects, come to any harm that it must be good to release this emotion. I have had a lot of anger recently :evil: :twisted: and there are occasions when it has not been appropriately displayed ( we are not all perfect! ) but mine manifests itself in shouting more often than not and I am doing my best to learn new ways of managing this or having a jolly good old scream and shout when I am on my own!!!! I have become much better at telling people when I feel angry and taking myself off to fume somewhere alone. We always encourage our kids to express how they are feeling and tell them it is good when they canrecognise their own feelings and put it into words. Our 5 yr old was doing a lot of door slamming in anger and frustration at the word NO being said to her when she didn't want to hear it but she has now diverted it to her pillow! (Purple)

[color=blue:c9774c823f] Anger can be a destructive emotion - it's bad for us, bad for those around us, bad for the environment and depletes our energy horribly. We all have anger. 'Anger management' is important; so any attempt to address it should be encouraged. However, this is a complex subject. I've had terrible anger in the past (not often) and done terrible things which I've now pretty much forgiven myself for. So, if you have a way of dissipating anger safely then that is OK. Expressing it on partner, friends, colleagues etc, or God forbid children, is not the way forward. The inherent karma in the action is too much to bear. I don't know about the CD but for serious anger problems, *any* attempt to manage it is real progress. They say there are, simply put, three ways of dealing with anger, expression, repression and release. Again, very simplistically, expression is detrimental to our health (heart attack) and to those around us, plus the karma issue. Repression is *very* bad (ulcer, cancer). I try to release, which involves recognising the emotion without applying too many judgmental labels, and being analytical about it, understanding the part that ego plays. I have a method of releasing, which is about recognition and dissipation. Difficult to explain in two sentences but it generally works for me. Suffice to say I (generally, I'm no angel) manage to turn potential anger into something positive by honouring it, letting it go, and getting on with the next moment. I just read this back and I hope someone understands it... :D J.[/color:c9774c823f] (Fruitbat)

[quote:a8f43349a2="Purple"]In my opinion I would agree that as long as you and no one else, or any of your personal effects, come to any harm that it must be good to release this emotion. [/quote:a8f43349a2] <not quite looking you in the eye> Hmmm, a couple of plates have come a cropper.......ho hum [quote:a8f43349a2] mine manifests itself in shouting more often than not [/quote:a8f43349a2] yes, mine too. It really shocks me too! [quote:a8f43349a2] I am doing my best to learn new ways of managing this or having a jolly good old scream and shout when I am on my own!!!! [/quote:a8f43349a2] So what do you do when you're in that situation and there is no way out - say, your 5 year old has done something that brings these feelings of anger up for you? Do you have the self control to repress it and express it later? I can literally feel my anger rising inside me = I even get hot. I'm interested in your 'new ways of managing this' I've started to get dd to draw her anger or to run up and down the stairs if she wants to physically dissipate it - seems to work well! wingsoflove (wingsoflove)

[quote:afff90d065="Fruitbat"][color=blue] They say there are, simply put, three ways of dealing with anger, expression, repression and release. Again, very simplistically, expression is detrimental to our health (heart attack) [/quote:afff90d065] Hmmm, you're talking about Mr.Angry right - not some pent up office worker who blows off steam once or twice a month? Surely expression can be good? If we direct it where it came from isn't that ok? My challenge seems to be that I might allow someone to make me feel angry, but I don't tell *them*, so it gets repressed, turned inward and I grow resentful. Then, something innocent might happen - dd pushes my buttons for example and all that repressed stuff comes rising to the surface - in a straw-that-broke-the-camels-back type fashion. I really hear what you are saying about releasing and it sounds a much better way of dealing with it. I think from what you have written my ego is too big and proud - probably time to work on that eh? :oops: I have a wonderful friend who seems to share your idea about releasing, he sent me some stuff once that I filed - time to look it up and apply it methinks. Thanks for a thought-provoking post wingsoflove (wingsoflove)

[quote:f37479810f="wingsoflove"] So what do you do when you're in that situation and there is no way out - say, your 5 year old has done something that brings these feelings of anger up for you? Do you have the self control to repress it and express it later? I can literally feel my anger rising inside me = I even get hot. I'm interested in your 'new ways of managing this' wingsoflove[/quote:f37479810f] Good question! I do my best to tell her, calmly, that I am feeling very angry now and that I need to have space from her. We talk a lot and discuss things and I ask her to think about how she may have felt in my or someone else's position if that had happened to her / someone had done / said that to her etc; I do get very, very hot also - I feel my anger in my head as if it is going to explode sometimes. I am learning to go away from situations now and to do concentrated deep breathing / relaxation to calm myself. I also write things down - a lot of my recent anger has been to do with my mother and I am needing to find ways of managing this so I keep a book that I scribble all sorts of stuff in / feelings etc. I do not need to keep it or show it to anyone else but it really helps me not to take it out on others when it is nothing to do with them. Scribbling on paper, like DD does is a good release too I think. Of course I am not perfect and things do not always go well but I [b:f37479810f][u:f37479810f]ALWAYS[/u:f37479810f][/b:f37479810f] apologise as I think it is very important for our kids to realise we are not perfect and that we do make mistakes and we are sorry for them. I grew up with the belief that adults were perfect and therefore did not need to say sorry as they never did anything wrong - how sad to believe that - a terrible shock when I grew up and found out it to be oh so not true! I also have made efforts to recognise where my anger is held in my body - for me my head - and to recognise those tense feelings and try to relax asap after recognising them. I know a lot of this is in my mouth - I clench my teeth - now I notice this and quickly try to divert myself and relax my facial muscles. Good luck in your quest for managing anger - any new iseas throw them my way! (Purple)

We are all different. It is more to do with how we release the emotion. Anger could be releasing the emotions caused by other elements in our life. Obviously the CD is to help people who have a problem with control. It sells well to say chefs and managers at work as you could understand. http://www.hypnosishealthcare.com/hypnosis-anger-management-help.html Personally I still get angry occasionally, we all do, but we all know someone who needs a way to calm down and prevent the anger release for the sake of themselves and others. Of course in many instances the anger stems from other causes. Charles (charles vald)

Hi Purple, I hope you had a good day, Your post was very interesting; not least because it made me realise just what I *am* doing to work with this issue - you know how it is, you don't think you are actively achieving anything, but when I see what you have written, I am doing pretty much the same myself. I have been telling dd for a few months now (she's 4) that I am starting to feel angry, sometimes she pushes me to make sure I really am (!), but now she is starting to 'empathise' and work with me.... If she is able to co-operate then I might ask her to go and play in the garden or in her room for a minute or two. If she feels unable to co-operate then I either ascertain her need; if it's for food, cuddles or rest, then I do my best to put my inner child to one side while I deal with her. If I sense she is just testing me, then I'll take myself off upstairs until I feel calmer. I can *totally* relate to the writing side of things; I have a notebook and pen with me all the time, and, like you, I am recognising where much of my anger stems from and I'm trying hard not to direct it in the wrong place. And I relate with the apology thing - I completely agree with your feelings about parents / adults not being perfect; I could have written that myself. The tips about locating your anger was useful; I'll look out for that. There is one other thing I might recommend; a book by Connirae Andreas, called 'Core Transformation' - I have found this to be life-enhancing and it is all about working through our issues and resolving them........ I really feel if I could let go, that a few sessions of primal therapy would do me the power of good - I'd never have the courage to go through it though! Best of luck too Purple; your post was great. wingsoflove (wingsoflove)

[quote:b0603818f7="charles vald"] It sells well to say chefs and managers at work as you could understand. [/quote:b0603818f7] That provoked a rye smile; having worked in similar positions in the past, I can certainly empathise! I was very controlled in those days though.......perhaps years of incompetent staff and hot kitchens have finally taken their toll!! wingsoflove (wingsoflove)

[quote:db6af688ab="wingsoflove"] Best of luck too Purple; your post was great. wingsoflove[/quote:db6af688ab] Thanks! I will look out for that book too! :D (Purple)

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay Relaxation Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try: * Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." * Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. * Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. * Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Problem Solving Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. Better Communication Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one. Using Humor "Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. Changing Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them. Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less (bluefin)


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